Wednesday, March 16, 2011

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

You know the rest...
Day 71: Join Them :)

So...we did something Minnesotan this past weekend. And I seriously had a blast...hard to admit it...but OMG I think I laughed so hard, my stomach STILL hurts! We went to go see a friends band play...and a "local establishment that shall not be named" just to protect the guilty :)

Those that know me, know I am an AVID people watcher...and this "place that shall not be named" was a PRIME spot. There was dancing...lots of dancing...and there were several people that we named based on things they were doing. I am sure many of you know these people, either as yourselves, or someone you know or have observed. Oh. MY. GAWD.

The Marcher--older dude, white of course...who can't dance, just marches (to the beat, so that is a plus)...but as the beat got faster (think rock band)...the marching got faster, and higher, to the point I was worried he was no longer dancing but having an attack.

The Jumper--white girl, can't dance, so she jumps. ALL NIGHT LONG. And, like "the marcher" her jumping is with the beat...faster and faster and faster...she jumps, slams into someone, keeps jumping...I couldn't watch her for long...I was getting motion sick.

The "Bootie Shaker"--white woman, older, with a bootay on tye dye, HORIZONTAL stripes...and yeah...shakin' her money maker. AWWW YEAH.

The Grabber--was with the bootie shaker...and his hands needed to be tied behind his back as they were ending up in places that should be reserved for private...ha! What a great pun!! Get it ?? "Private" HA!!! I think I threw up a little in my mouth...

The Matchers--you know them, the ones that can actually dance, like 2 step, and they MATCH!! AS IN WEARING THE SAME SHIRT AND PANTS. They 2 step to country, they 2 step to rock, they 2 step to slow, they 2 step to baby got back. It don't matta...they 2 step.

The Muffin Top: Shirt too small for body...pants too small for body...large midriff area left exposed...not pretty, yet you can't take you eyes off of's like a train wreck.

The Bachlorette Party--self of women, wearing yellow shirts that said something about what part of the wedding they were in. I wish they could have loaned their t-shirts to the Muffin Topper to cover up...didn't see any penis hats or necklaces though...very disappointed in this group. I probably had hundreds of penis things on me when I went on my party. I had a great group of women to hook me up. This gal? Needed to find some of those kinds of friends.


The Pedophile--older dude, never danced...just watched...bald, with some thin wispy gray hair that was past his shoulders. And he had a permanent "pedosmile" going on...I just watched him to make sure he wasn't watching me...ewwwwwww.

I think that is about all of them...I am sure I left someone feel free to add to the list, with descriptions!

Things that were different from Missouri:

Missouri peeps drink beer, Minnesota peeps drink of choice---HARD LIQUOR. I felt really inadequate with my beer...that's why I drank too many of them :)

The female to male ratio of MULLET haircuts was astounding...I had NO idea women HAD mullets...much less that they could outnumber the men! WOW...amazing.

Men hang around the door of the women's bathroom...since apparently women get REALLY turned on while peeing...and come out just wanting some. Am I close here??

Women revert back to when they were 8, LOTS of squealing, and loudness--I expected it from young college girls, but 40 year old women?? (sure, I was screaming WE NEED MORE COW BELL at the band---but it was not high pitched...loud yes, but not high)...but this isn't about me...

People lose shit when they are drunk (which I already knew) But...a new thing I have never seen before is...they take their underwear off in the bathrooms...not sure why? I have never had that urge, but I guess if it is chafing or something? MAYBE that is why the dudes hang around the bathrooms? Gross thought...

Those green glasses in the pictures. I lost them like 56 times...Every time I started head banging they were GONE...but luckily...I kept finding them thank goodness!

Pull Tabs--not sure why they are so popular, but they have an ENTIRE AREA devoted to them...amazing really. And the hostess of that area for the night had a kick ass mullet goin' on.

Funyuns are not tasty...apparently you have to actually be high, not drunk, to find them yummy. They taste faintly like onion flavored Styrofoam peanuts. Or so I have been told :)

I told the husband we should go again, like every, single weekend...he wasn't so gung ho about this idea. It's better than Walmart ya'll, better than THE STATE FAIR...for people watching, it was the shit. I would pay MONEY to get in there...and it was free! WOW! What a deal!

What's the next MN thing I should do? Suggestions are welcome!

Day 72: Weirdness Klink has started being a fixture around the house. She normally spends her days, asleep in her kennel...away from everyone...she is deciding to become social. I find it weird, and it makes me anxious...what is she up to?

Day 73: THERE IS A GOD!!!! See??? Grass!!!!! See???? AGILITY EQUIPMENT!!!! Seeeeee?? SPRING!!!

Day 74: I want this life... The dogs have decided to spend the day laying on the guest that is where the sun is...they don't move all day, just soaking up the sun like little geckos...I want that life.


D said...

You haven't had the total MN (at least Central MN) bar experience until you have seen the polka experts... wow. Now that is something to see.

Loretta Mueller said...

POLKA?? OMG WHERE DO I GO TO SEE THAT?? HA! D...we gotta go out sometime to "that place that shall not be named" or some version of it...maybe closer :)

Karissa said...

Well, it isn't MN, but there is a huge polka fest in Ellsworth, WI each year. I looked it up for you:

I got drunk off my ass there when I was 16. Good times, good times... Woke up in my aunt & uncle's closet. I was staying with them that summer and they thought it would be "funny."

Actually, I was raised in a polka family -- My grandpa has had a polka band for over 60 years. I love me some um-pah-pah.

Loretta Mueller said...

Thanks for the link Karissa! Craziness! LOL