Friday, June 17, 2011

Sometimes things are not what they seem...

First off...the day away was AWESOME :) Lots of fun...but I did miss the puppies...next year I think I'll try a few days and see if I can handle the withdrawal...believe it or not...we have this many dogs because we ENJOY it. GASP!! The last time I didn't have dogs to care for was about 6 1/2 years ago...we went to Puerto Rico on a vacation...and yeah...I was ready to get home at the end of one week.

Day 160: Well Rested :)
But it was fun :) Spending time with friends, laughing and just relaxing a bit. Sometimes you just need that.

Insert Random Picture of Even and River from the previous week HERE:

Day 161: True Love!
It was taken with my iphone...and yes it IS a but on the nauseating side. But I had to share :)

Now...onto my little story...the morning before I left for my day off...I was working dogs and something caught my eye...Vittles...
What the hell is she doing?? So of course...being the OCD person I am, I put the dogs up, grabbed my camera and set out into the yard to capture what MIGHT be an amazing thing...wasn't sure.

So I find out what the issue is...a chipmunk...and at first I was feeling VERY sorry for said chipmunk. Even though the little buggers burrow under my barn, and into my septic system...pains in the ass really...but this one...well, he seemed pretty helpless.
Vittles IS after all...a skilled killer of small woodland creatures. Which is great as she kills all the things that try to ruin the property...sorry folks...this is how life is. Our very own version of Wild Kingdom...
I ATTEMPTED to pick Vittles up so I could just put her in the garage and little chipmunk could run off and be happily chewing on my landscaping in no time...Vittles had other ideas. She scratched, she hissed, she tried to bite me...which I get it...don't get in between a woman and her food. VERY DANGEROUS...so after she opened up a can o' whoop ass on me...I decided that I wasn't into being on antibiotics for 14 days.
I assumed this would be over quickly...wham, bam, thank ya mam, type of thing...like lions kill zebras on the Discovery Channel...that was until....

INSERT MAD NINJA CHIPMUNK!!!!!!!!!!
Who I will now refer to as "Badass"...I mean seriously...WTH!?!? Chipmunk taking on a cat?!?!?!
But Badass did...and Badass got some hellacious bites in on Vittles...

Which is when my brain started thinking....OMG!!!! Wild animal out in the DAYTIME!!!! RABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried again to catch Vittles...then realized as I was about a foot from her...what if she bites me? What if I get rabies?!?! When was her last vaccination!?!? F--ing Chipmunk...F--ing Cat...
Sure...LOGICALLY--the daylight thing didn't really make sense...Badass was probably drug out of his little burrow in my septic system and thrust into the light to fight for his little life...but seriously...Badass just had a death wish...do you SEEEEE the picture above?!?!!?
Maybe Badass had a tough day at work, maybe his wife left him...maybe his kids wrecked the new car...no idea...but Badass was going to take on Vittles with his mad ninja skillz...
So...like a complete nutcase...I continued taking pictures...
Then...it happened...Badass decided to open up a can on MY ASS...running directly AWAY from Vittles and TOWARDS ME at full speed... Do you have ANY idea how f--ing fast a chipmunk is!?!?!! I'll tell you...faster than a 31 year old white woman. MUCH FASTER.
So lets paint you a picture shall I??? Insert Loretta...barefoot, running as fast as she can, HUGE f-ing camera in her right hand...SCREAMING some sort of high pitched squealing crapola intermixed with a plethora of f-bombs. Badass in hot pursuit...Vittles in the back...also running fast.
I knew at that moment...I was going to lose this battle....the kamikaze chipmunk was going to attack me...and give me rabies...I would die a drooling, mess...biting rocks and tied to the bed...the husband would miss me...I think...

So what did I do...what any paniced idiot would do...I turned on the chipmunk...it was me against Badass, one on one...I was ready...in a split second I did the first thing that came into my mind. I raised up the camera to keep it safe and proceeded, with my barefoot, to kick the chipmunk (brilliant move Loretta!! BRILLIANT!!!)...I made contact, Badass must have been surprised because he didn't bite me...but I apparently, in my extreme panic...didn't realize just how HARD I kicked--chipmunks don't weight a lot--NOTE TO SELF. Badass went FLYING...no idea on the measurements as I didn't seem to be carrying the tape measure...but I would GUESS at least a solid 30 feet...
Badass hit the ground softly (yeah for grass!) and I was standing there...exhausted, freaked out...I began my trek to the house as I was SO SO DONE with this crazy ass shit...and Badass, decided to try again...
Please refer back up to the description above...it's too hard to relive it again...the only changes should be, delete the kicking part and insert Loretta running to the house and getting the patio screen door closed JUST BEFORE Badass hits it going full speed...I closed the glass door in case he decided to chew through the screen and rip my eyeballs out of their sockets.
I have no idea where he is now...I hope Vittles got him...I have to admit I'm a little paranoid walking around my yard right now...waiting to be ambushed.

After talking to a friend who knows about woodland creatures...their response was...yeah, he was probably mortally wounded (thanks Vittles) and that was his panic response.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.........ugh.......sad face :-((((

I'm sure me kicking the shit out of him didn't help the matter any...
RIP Badass...I hope you didn't reproduce much...as I'm sure Vittles will get one of them at some time...BUT...Loretta learns. I will NOT be going anywhere NEAR Vittles when she has one of them...EVER...AGAIN...EVER.

15 comments:

Debra Kay said...

Geek answer-a lot of time prey animals will turn on their attacker as a last ditch effort-watch seals turn on Great White Sharks...it works sometimes, sometimes not.

I've been chased by squirrels and raccoons trying to save their useless hides-the only thing I will try to save now is maybe a little bunny-big rabbits-sorry man-those things can kick and bite.

I wish we had chipmunks in Oklahoma-we just have really really rude and obnoxious squirrels.

Molly said...

I think I just peed myself from laughing so hard. The photos make it look like they are playing too - since there was no photo i'm glad you gave such a good mental image of the pursuit :)

Karissa said...

WTF?? I am so confused by this series of photos. That chipmunk is not normal. Is it seriously crawling all over Vittles and she's just laying there? Or was there more "action" than the pictures tell?

And another huge WTF to the thing coming after you. I have evil, horrid chipmunks that I wish death to on a daily basis -- But they scatter off and hide any time they even see me move inside the house (I know, I learned this when I set up a rat trap and tried to gleefully watch its death from the kitchen one time).

I hope it didn't bite Vittles. Or I hope her rabies is UTD. That is one scary chipmunk....

I hate them because they dig tunnels to nowhere and screw up my agility yard. I used to let them ruin my front yard (who cares!) until they started migrating to the back. I tend to wage war about once per summer. Last year I got three in snap traps. This year I might bring out the poison in the front yard, since my vet assured my that even if my dogs ate a poisoned chipmunk, it wouldn't be enough to make them sick. Hmm. I might get pissed enough to try it.

Laura Carson said...

You know, I have this many dogs because I like it too. :) Nothing wrong with that!!!

Agreed with Karissa - that chipmunk is SO not normal. lol

Patty said...

Wow that is one crazy chipmunk!

Diana said...

OMG, just too funny. Im sure it was funny to you but your story cracked me up. Thanks, Im glad you are ok.

Loretta Mueller said...

Karissa---NO, badass WAS just crawling on top of Vittles...and Vittles..being the kitty she is...thought it was a messed up game...weird.

Vittles is UTD on her shots...thank goodness!

Pepper said...

Hahaha this made my day. Fantastic pictures, I can't believe your cat! We don't have chipmunks or squirrels or anything that cute looking in New Zealand, totally understand the pest factor though. Hopefully Vittles got 'em.

D said...

I'm pretty surprised River and Even can function away from each other.. they spent alot of quality time together in that short period of time. They may have to schedule some playdates. ;)

I had forgotten about the crazy chipmunk attack! HA! Those are some pretty awesome photos. That Vittles knows how to torture... she could work for Al Khaida! I guess you just need to have fun with your food sometimes.

An English Shepherd said...

Thats one great Ninja Chipmonk :-)

Laura, Lance, and Vito said...

Oh my goodness! What epic photos!!! It looks like my ferrets and Chuckles, but without the insanity and possible rabidness! I get the "run away, run away!" deal and would have done the same but probably more screaming.

Catalina said...

LOL! I was reading this at work and everyone thought I was crazy, because I was snickering so much! So funny!
Althought the pictures make them look like they are friends. The ultimate wild kingdom frenemy.

agilityfrk said...

My sides are hurting... I just wish there was a picture of Badass turning his attention to you.

Loretta Mueller said...

Mia--I wish I had one of those as well...fucking chipmunk :)

Sarah Duke said...

OMG ROFL!!! I came to check out your weekend videos but this is so much funnier! Best line: "Do you have ANY idea how f--ing fast a chipmunk is!?!?!! I'll tell you...faster than a 31 year old white woman. MUCH FASTER." Bahahahah!! Hilarious Loretta! We don't have chipmunks in FL.